Winged

Bereft of the clutches, of bondages intangible

I want to fly high;

Dreams are winged, fearless and stubborn

In quest of a soothing sigh;

All I want is a handful of sky.

I made it to the Rajasthan Administrative Services in 2017, however only literally. Out of 3.75 lakh aspirants who appeared for the Preliminaries, only 20K were selected for the Mains and merely 1700 for the Interview. The process was followed by a medical test and I made it through every stage, all set to turn over a new leaf as an Officer.

On Dhanteras 2017 (a day before Diwali), the result was declared. My best friend and I were both awaiting it eagerly. The sun was slipping down the horizon when our luck, or the upshot of our hard work, popped up. I saw his result first. There was a (5) written in front of his name. I, irresolute of how I was supposed to react, could not contain the tears of joy that wetted my cheeks, choked my throat and soothed my heart. I gave him a buzz (I knew he was snoozing after his work hours)  to extol the fact that he had topped the PCS exams with a record 5th rank. He asked me about my result. I took a pause and my lips curved into a silly smile, for I had not seen my result by then.

So I stood at the 517th rank and there were around 750 seats. Celebrations were the order of the day. But my stars changed their formation, leaving failure in store for me. The seats for General Women were all done on the 512th rank (the women from unreserved category just before me) and I never got a post. It sure was like reaching the shore, ready to step onto the beach and being pulled back by a ripple. From crest of a wave to crestfallen.

My friends often enquire about how  I still have the courage to start all over again? What keeps me motivated?

The setback could not subdue the faith in ‘I can’. I believe in myself. I trust my abilities. My aplomb actuates me. Isn’t self-belief the one and only panpharmacon for demotivation?  Self-doubt is the only enemy that can shackle one’s spirit.  So I keep it at an arm’s distance. Who would trust you, if you don’t trust your own self?  If I lose the conviction, no amount of pats on my back or pep talks will ever be able to tame the trepidations and apprehensions.

My belief in self is the wind beneath my wings. And so…

As I soar higher towards somewhere, in a maverick gear,

I see a happier, wiser me, on the other side of fear.

Ankurita Khajanchi