How I Feel: An Article by Amrita Mallik

I have always preferred the silence of my room. I have felt safe, comfortable, and free from unnecessary drama. Being an introvert, the coziness of my room has been heavenly. It has been a strongly-built fortress from where you acquire panoramic views and can also keep a watch over your enemies.

Whether I have gone into a crowd or not, my aloneness has been my superpower. Loud parties, friends hangout, celebration or gathering- I would better be alone. I have never felt threatened by my loneliness. I have always been at peace. In fact, I have detested being flanked by wrong people. Too much arrogance, too many show-offs, too much conversations- never have they attracted me.

All have changed with marriage- slowly and ruthlessly. Why is it that the majority of women’s life starts sucking post marriage? Yes, even today.

Now I yearn for a corner where I can be alone- safe and secured, free and living. I feel haunted, nauseous and frustrated. I am cringing, crying, out of breath, and still carrying out my incessant prayers. There’s not a single scope to be perfectly aligned to my aloneness.

They don’t talk to me unless needed but are constantly hovering over me like those irritating flies- very much similar to helicopter parenting. I am always corrected, disciplined, reprimanded, and brutally lectured upon. I feel disgusted and apathetic. I am becoming forgetful. I am tired of explaining and tallying the balance sheet. I always remain anxious and panic-stricken. I yearn to run away when the night is the darkest. Yet, I cannot. Not always there is an escape route.

I can feel the strong negative energy in the house, irrespective of their presence. Energy never lies. My gut feeling is always right but no one listens. However, I cannot always abide by it. I am in an extremely helpless condition. I need an immediate break. I need my alone time. I need me.

How I wish to return to that room where I was alone daydreaming and feeling special! No one then bothered about my actual feelings. They left me alone but it turned out to be a blessing. No one is bothered about me even now. Yet, today, I am living a nightmare I don’t want to.