Growing up in a regular middle-class family, it was normal for a girl not to look beyond marriage as the ultimate goal of life. Apparently, one has to adapt, accept and move on without complaining, as it is said, this is what life is all about. Fortunately, God seemed to have other plans in store for me. As I grew up, I realized that this ideal image of marriage and family had a lot of imperfections.
However, I come from a heritage of women who support women. While growing up, I was encouraged to dream, to never give up, to keep trying and to accept failures as opportunities for a better life ahead. Above all, I was taught to learn to forgive myself and move on. These are strong virtues that my parents taught me. Needless to say, their teachings rubbed off on me, and I grew up to be independent.
My mom always lived her dreams through me. She always wanted me to pursue my studies even after I started working. I graduated with an Honours degree at the age of eighteen, and started working at nineteen, as I got a job in one of the leading Japanese corporates. In fact, my parents were my strongest pillars. My father always encouraged me to follow my passion for music and dance. I used to perform regularly in a lot of cultural functions and festive occasions, and had the opportunity to perform on the National Television as well. Music and dance are outlets where one can just let go and be relaxed, even if life puts you through turmoil.
And so came the hurdles of life.
Just when I was enjoying the best phase of life, time came for me to choose between marriage, work and studies. I wanted to continue working as it would give me time to be more independent, and continue my dancing and studies alongside.
The best phase in one’s life is when you are independent without much responsibilities and freedom to explore. But guess what? Life always has a way of bringing you back to the same crossroads. I had to get married. With pressure from my grandparents and elders, my parents had to concede.
I got married to a stranger whom my parents had chosen for me, without realizing what I was getting into. However, I could continue my work and studies, since my husband went back to Nigeria after a week, and I was glad that my life went back to the earlier routine, with me back in Delhi with my parents.
I completed my post-graduation and was praying that my passport would never come, as in those days, it took a long time to process passports. But finally, I had to leave the cocoon and comfort of my parental wings and undertake the journey of my life on my own.
Five years into my marriage with a three-year-old kid, I decided that I have a right to live life on my terms, not be a slave all my life. I had to get out of this bondage and move on. Fear, anxiety, depression, arguments, work pressure, physical abuse, court visits, and the child’s needs–his fevers, colds, etc. became my life for the next four years. During these testing times, what kept me rooted was my job, my family and my grit to adapt. A separation is certainly not easy and can create a lot of physical strain, and affect one’s mental and emotional health. Support from family is very crucial during these trying times. Fortunately, I had immense support from my parents and my brother, which kept me going.
Still, I appreciated this change in my life as I received my greatest learnings during this period.
When you decide to separate, it’s not just you; it’s also your family who goes through this experience and the accompanying pain along with you. Further, the world runs on money, and that’s a cold and hard truth. For me, financial independence was the key factor. Thankfully, I was earning and had a decent job that sustained our needs.
Having a safe shelter, with parents guiding my every step during these tough times, was a blessing. Children are the ones who get affected the most, and as a mother, one must understand that the child is your priority and always will be for the foreseeable future. I realized the value of freedom when I stood in the court and had a judge decide my future with my son. It is certainly not something any woman and her child should have to face. Society played a major role in my life in the way the belief systems are structured.
It took me 7 long years to settle down, build my own house, and create a life that functions seamlessly, without compromising my job. It’s not easy, yet it’s not impossible. This was a life I chose, it’s no one’s fault, and no one is to blame. Sometimes situations are such that they keep you pushing hard, which in turn brings out the best version of you and helps you grow stronger.
To deal with all this alone, and that too with a child, was indeed a Herculean task. I was fortunate to find good employment in a well-reputed multinational organization. For me, twenty-four hours in a day was not enough as I was multitasking by being a student, a teacher, an employee and a single mother. I always made it a point to spend quality time with my toddler, however busy my schedule was. Somehow, the Almighty imparted the strength to carry out these roles to my maximum ability. My primary focus was to bring up my son to be a good human being, inculcating in him the right values.
My son is presently well settled in life, and he has turned out to be a wonderful person, full of compassion and regard for all. Any person complimenting me about my son after meeting him is the ultimate success for me.
I feel I have succeeded in my mission.
Latha Warrier
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